Life During Wartime

Newt In Space

2011-12-13T13:37:00.000-08:00

Someday, perhaps scientists will be able to discover what actually went on in Newts Brainz

I won't even go into parsing the "visionary" sci fi concepts waved about by the imaginary intellectual of the Republican Party, Newt Gingrich.
His doomsday scenarios, like the EMP (Electromagnetic pulse) attack which he flaunted over the weekend has been dismissed by most nuclear experts. He did write the forward to a 2009 sci-fi novel nobody read based on the concept.
Or the giant space mirrors that would eliminate the need for streetlights.
Or his 2009 proposal for a space laser system.
His promotion of the concept of geo engineering. Heck, why waste good money on fighting global warming when we can waste trillions of dollars totally screwing up the planet forever?
Or how in 2007, he proposed a better life through video gaming. He stated in a speech that Second Life could create a better "parallel country" that could teach us how to do things that are more difficult in the real world. As we all know, Second Life has basically failed.
What emerges is a dude who has a very bad case of arrested development, in fact, Newt Skywalker has had his head stuck up Isaac Asimov's ass since he was a spaced out teen. In his sociopathic egocentric view of himself and his love of personal power and his view of his own relationship with the lower mortal life forms on the planet earth, he seems to have developed a fixation on the Asimov character, the "psychohistorian" Hari Seldon. He wrote about this in his 1996 memoir, To Renew America.
The self styled historian envisions himself as a grandiose figure of planet-sized ambitions. Morality is but a mere bagatell when you see yourself as super being that is reshaping the destiny of the world. In a series of doodled diagramatic sketches by Newt recently unearthed and published in Slate, he tries to illustrate his role and mission as the System Designer and Definer of Civilization with himself at the hub of concentric circles...we the public have been consigned, quite predictably to the outer, lowest ring....

Newts Inferno

Pops, Can I Get you A Drink? #7

2010-07-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

"Hey Pops, wake up!" the strange adolescent breaky voice annoyingly demanded that Dick listen, he seemed to be clawing his way back to an uncomfortable conciousness, aware that he had collapsed on the cool marble floor of his front doorway entry hall.

"You don't mind if I call you Pops? Okay? I mean father seems so formal." the annoying scratchy cartoon teenage voice went on..."Listen, Pops, can I get you a drink?"

The pain in Mr. Cheney's ribs seemed to be abating. He cautiously opened his eyes, disoriented and the first thing he saw was the face of the black enamel painted lawn jocky grotesquely grinning as it stood over him, peering intently into his face.

"Gahhh" said Dick Cheney.

"Pops, don't worry. Everythings cool. I already have a nice drink, Chivas and soda with an ice cube...just the way you like it!' The lawn jockey's face came into focus and Dick felt as if he could actually see it's concerned expression....The glass looked real enough.

"Am I insane?" he thought.

As if he could read Cheneys mind, the jockey said in his cartoon voice, "Hey pops, you aren't crazy. This is real, well, I'm as real as I will ever get. Thanks to you. Now have that drink. You really need it!"

The sound of sirens started to get louder. Cheney remembered paging his medical staff before passing out. He instinctively reached for his Blackberry in his hunting vest, but it wasn't there.

"You lookin for this?" the jockey laughed and pointed to a mangled mess of plastic and circuits on the table. "You won't need this anymore, Pops. You got me, your sonny boy!"

Dick automatically grabbed the drink and gulped it down. The Chivas burned just right and instantly, he felt better. He breathed deeply and noticed the pain in side had abated.

He felt he could think again. He looked at the painted face and tried to be logical.

"Don't call me Pops. Okay?"

There was a frantic knock at the door....

#6 Blame The Medication

2010-05-31T05:14:00.000-07:00

June 23, 2013...an undisclosed location in Maryland

"There! The damn thing moved!" Dick shook his head muttering..."I must be having some kind of episode from this new medication...a lawn jockey doesn't move..."

He automatically grabbed the secure Blackberry from the top pocket of the fishing vest he had taken to wearling lately and pressed the button which automatically paged his medical staff.

He tried not to look at the lawn jockey, but in his undeniable trance like fascination, he couldn't help it. The lawn jockey had turned its head, with it's garish red lips grinning on its coal black enamel face and was looking right at him! It's vaudevillian pickaninny eyes were bugging out...

Then, incredibly in slow motion, the lawn jockey raised its lantern and seemed to beckon him....

Mr. Cheney gasped involuntarily and clutched at his chest and scrambled in a bizarre crab like gait, as quickly as the pain in his chest would allow back into the front door and collapsed in an overstuffed chair, wheezing painfully.
His vision began to blur and he felt like he was going to pass out, but he still couldn't resist the hypnotic urge to look out the window..."The fuckin' thing is moving!" Cheneys eyes bugged out in a bizarre almost hilarious imitation of the painted characature of the lawn jockey's badly painted iron face...
Yes, it really did seem as if the lawn jockey was moving in extreme slow motion, it had turned and was heading for the front door....
Sweat covered Dicks clammy face as he tried to get out of th chair in utter panic and make it to the door to securely close and lock it, but it was almost with relief, a blessed sense of acceptance as his body slipped into shock and he fell to the floor and lost conciousness.

#5 Family Feud Goes Nuclear

2009-10-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

April 16, 2015

The Washington Post

Family Fued Goes Nuclear!

In the latest exchange of charges between President Palin and her estranged husband, Governor-General Todd Palin, the war of words and charges escalated dramatically.

The Governor-General claimed the near miss by an air to air missle classified officially as “friendly fire” was actually an assination attempt by his wife, the president.

Governor-General Palin claims inside knowlege from sources loyal to him with in the Alaskan Commonwealth National Guard has made it clear to him that the attempt was thwarted only because members of the crew loyal to him took quick action to thwart the aiming of the missle.

When the Air Force plane returned to the base, the member of the crew who fired the missle was placed in custody, pending an investigation, Our souces have learned though that the airman has disappeared. There is no word at this time as to the present where abouts of Airman Corporal Steven E. Lang.

Governor-General Palin claims that this is part of his wifes attempts to destabilize the Commonwealth after he entered into talks with Russia, Canada and Denmark regarding the establishment of the Polar Protection Pact, which would function as a sort of Military Alliance between the countries sharing the Polar regions of the planet.

President Palin and Secretary of State, Limbaugh have restated their position that Alaska is a part of the United States and has no independant authority to undertake any negotiations with any other country on its own behalf.

Sevretary Limbaugh stated, “Todd Palin has been relieved from his duties and rank as General. What ever he is calling himself now, General Commander, Generalissimo, Governor General is illegal and out and out treason!”

Further more, Secretary Limbaugh stated that what ever force was needed would be used to insure the territorial unity and integrity of The United States.

Governor-General Palin issued a statement saying that Madam Palin couldn’t keep the lower 48 in line and Alaska was capable of deciding what was best for Alaska!

He also mentioned that he was in control of the Alaskan American Nuclear Arsenal and said they could be aimed where ever he damn well pleased.

Cooler heads in both the Canadian and Russian capitals have urged the Palins to calm down and try to resolve their marital problems with out bringing up the threat of nuclear annilihation.

#4 Rider Of The Storm

2009-08-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

The storm was approaching out of the southwest at a leisurely rate. Lightning spiked against the black clouds on the endless horizon over the dusty cornfields. A normal late summer afternoon in Kansas and Dale was pedaling his bike against the increasing wind trying to get to his job at the local Commonwealth Corporate Hardware Store before the fiirst rain drops hit.
He swore silently, a secret pleasure rushing through him as he cursed. No one could hear him out in the fields on his bike on the outskirts of Overland Park. He had silently whispered a curse word in his lab class yesterday at Cheney High and was reported to the monitor by that little pest, Angela Blasinsky.
That’s why he was riding his bike. He couldn’t take the bus like the other kids because of the corrective Christian detention he had to sit through as punishment for the next week.” I gotta get out of here” he desparately thought, “ Someday I’m gonna save enough money to go to New york or Los Angeles!”
An unspoken dream that could get him in even more trouble. “You never know who’s a snitch” he sneered.
Last month, his Uncle James had visited from New york City. Uncle James had arrived late complaining that he had been strip searched at the Heartland Visitors Welcome Center at the Kansas City Airport. “They took my newspapers!” He fumed, “No one said that I couldn’t bring a copy of the New york Times into the Commonwealth! You’d think this wasn’t part of the United States anymore!”
Then he had hinted that he had been questioned about his marital status and sexual orientation. They finally let him enter after a DNA sample of his saliva was collected.
An airport security gaurd had syruply smiled and said, "Welcome to the Christian Hearland Commonwealth, sir. Your visitors pass has been approved for a 2 week period."

It seemed that the border was getting tighter and tighter. Less and less visitors from the outside were coming into the Commonwealth for simple tourism. People seemed more suspicious than ever of outsiders.. There had recently been an incident of violence against a group of travelers that had blundered into a small town and tried to buy more gas than the rationing system allowed. They had been roughed up a bit because there was a panic that they might be arabs or something worse. The sherrif’s men had saved them and asssured the towns people that they were Americans with an Italian last name.

The family assured them that they were only trying to get to a relatives house for a visit in the next county and were in the Commonwealth on valid visitors passes and weren’t trying to get jobs.

Dale knew the last thing he wanted to do was work for the rest of his life for a Commonwealth Comapny. He could see gangs of laborers in the farm field even now as the storm approached. “What chance of a future did any of them have?” he thought. You were born into a workers family, no chance of a real education, brainwashed into religious submission and housed by the Corporation in a settlement in the middle of the endless Commonwealth Corporation Farmlands.
You could have a little plot of land if you wanted to have a garden, but other than that, the Commonwealth owned you. They gave you the medical care they thought you deserved, taught you what they thought you needed to know and you really didn’t even have to buy food. You could always eat at your community Christian Heartland Kitchen. The question was, what were they serving you?

When the Christian Heartland Commonwealth was formed in 2013, it seemed to be a buffer against the failing economy, the godless influences of immorality, the creeping menace of foreign workers and ideas. Christians united in a common vision to take care of each other with out the interference of the Federal Government. The 4 state Union was approved under President Palin, soon after she took office after the unfortunate, tragic death of President McCain. Alaska soon followed suite. Alaska was made a security buffer Commonwealth, with the newly appointed Brigadier General Todd Palin as the de facto military governor. It all seemed legal enough, but who had the time to stop anything, these days?

It was hard for President Palin to do other wise, what with the endless and expanding war with the Arabs and the unexpected results of the pre emptive offensive against Iran that McCain had initiated.
Dale had seen the latest pictures of the slow devastation of Israel, Syria, Iraq and Lebanon as they slowly succumbed to the spread of radiation. The news casters were invariably grim when reporters braved the dangers to bring the latest pictures, but the reports invariably ended on an upbeat note, with items about advances in the treatment of radiation sickness and the cheery predictions that the fallout would have little effect on the mainland United States.
Europe, on the other hand.......

Lightning flashed somewhere very near in back of him and the resulting thunder almost knocked Dale off of his bike, he pedaled faster as the first raindrops dashed against his face.
Still about a quarter mile to go, he cursed silently again.........

Sound Track

2009-08-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

Life During War Time by The Talking Heads, '79

#3... The Christian Heartland Commonwealth Proclaimed

2009-08-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

(from the New York Times, April 7, 2013)

Christian Heartland Commonwealth Declared

Governor Budley Releases Statement

In a message today from the newly created Commonwealth Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma,
Governor Jason Budley, Rep. OK, proclaimed the official establishment of the Christian Heartland Commonwealth. In his statement, Governor Budley stated that in no way would the Commonwealth affect the unity of America, but that it established a zone of economic and moral protection that reflected the will and the wishes of the 4 state area that have voted to join in the project.
"In light of the recent economic upheavals and social unrest that have affected certain areas of The Great United States, we are forming a Commonwealth to protect the pure ideals and the special economic bond we have formed and sealed with our faith", the governor stated.
Governor Budley emphasized that while freedom of the press was one of the cornerstones of American greatness, he would be compelled to respect the will of the people who elected him. The Commonwealth has created a corps of editorial overseers to enforce their standards in the papers and media within the region.
The governor also authorized the standardization of internet resources and access within the Christian Heartland Commonwealth. There will be one server for the time being and they recommend that anyone who wants to conduct business by internet or have unhampered communication with anyone residing within the boundaries of the Commonwealth to subscribe to the newly created "Dovenet" and "Dovemail" services.
The Commonwealths internet service is totally filtered and spam free.
President Palin, who in the past voiced opposition to the plan, today, released a statement praising the Commonwealth and stated that in her opinion it in no way threatened the future unity of the United States.
Her husband and Chief of Staff, General Todd Palin is rumored to have been engaged in talks to head up a committee to investigate the possibility of granting a Commonwealth Status to his home state, Alaska.

Episode #2...General Todd And The Geezer

2009-08-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

“Todd...oooh, Todd!” a muffled female voice came from inside the locked doors of the oval office. “Shut up!” replied a gruff male voice. “Just relax and enjoy it. You know you love it”
....The corridor was empty outside in the hall of the White House. There were agents strationed discreetly and there was some activity in the outer halls.
From the door of the Oval Office, the muffled female voice became a passionate moan...an attempt at a plea, “C'mon, Todd, this isn’t right...here on the desk! There’s papers here, important stuff! Please wait!”
There was a sharp slap of a palm on a face and a little yelp, like a small animal and the other voice said, in an urgent gruff growl,
“I’ve never made love to a president before!” He laughed cruelly and the female voice moaned and said “Oooh Todd, you bastard”....
As this little drama unfolded behind closed doors, a phlanx of secret service agents strode purposefully down the corridor. They got to the door of the oval office and began to pound on the door just as Todd collapsed in a spent heap across the prone form of his wife, Sarah. “Open up! Secret Service! Mrs. Palin are you alright?”
“Uhh, just fine...” came a weak voice from behind the door, “just give me a second.”
The door opened and a disheveled Todd Palin, who was obviously adjusting his clothing let the agents in.
The chief agent looked a little embarrassed as Mrs.Palin, blushing discreetly smoothed and pulled her skirt into place.
Todd asked sharply, :”What is the meaning of this?”
The agent said, “Mr. Cheney told us you might need a hand straightening up a little mess here.” After a nervous silence, the agent added, “Madame President!”
Todd and Sarah looked at each other and breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, uh, okay then." Obviously, the call to Cheney had the desired results.
The geezers body is in the anteroom.” he motioned to a side door.
“Look” Todd went on, “Did Cheney tell you what happened?”
The agent looked at the others and said, “No sir, not exactly, he just said that McCain had met with an unfortunate accident which might be hard to explain and we had better get down here and help you clean things up.”
Sarah looked at Todd, with a little embarrassment and pride. She informed the agents that Todd had just been made a General by her order. “I’m sure there is some kind of clause in the Bush Emergency Powers Acts which cover this.” she added carefully, “After all he is still actually in the miltary. He was a member of the Alaskan National Guard Reserve. I’ll sort out his exact rank tomorrow, but as of now, General Todd Palin is my personal military aide and you will listen to his orders!”
The Secret Service men looked at each other warily and the Chief Agent saluted and said curtly, “Yes, Madame President!.”

The Palins looked at each other with elated relief. Who would ever have guessed it would have been this simple? The agents upon opening the door were taken aback. The old geezer had obviously put up quite a struggle. The room was in a shambles, but he was quite dead and obviously had been for quite a while, with the cord from the brass lamp he had been brained with still tightly wrapped around his neck.

Life During Wartime #1 The Camps

2009-08-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

The small planes engine sputtered fitfully as it arced lazily through the dull
grey chilly mist that had settled over Lower Manhattan all morning.
People scuttled along 14th Street looking up at the small object in the kind of annoyed fear you would feel with the buzzing of a wasp in a room.

The local news had interrupted the morning programming with yet another special breaking news announcement of a yet another "unidentified terrorist" threat. This was the fourth such incident in the last week. The rumors were going around that this particular new series of incidents were just another bit of theater staged by the Homeland Security Public Relations Strategy Committee to keep the level of terrorism alertness up in a bored public. The rumor was that the planes, which were invariably shot down over the harbour or over the razed uninhabited acres of The Bronx, were being flown by desparate young people who had been rounded up in the latest Surge On Poverty. They had been told that their families would have a sure fire ticket out of the detention camps if they sacrificed themselves for a good show to keep the citizens on their toes.

The Surge on Poverty, the very idea gave Marvin a headache as he walked on down the Street, through crowds of pedestrians all, like him, trying to look anonymous and not too conspicuously poor. No one knew what the guidelines were anymore.
It had started with the Surge on Inner City Crime...

Three years into the first term of President McCain and hundreds of square miles of America's blighted inner cities had been leveled. The initial Surge on Crime had sparked an Urban Guerilla movement and using the techniques which had prolonged the War in Iraq, a door to door campaign of searches in the designated areas had provoked organized and violent resistance. This had all been made legal and approved by the new improved "Classic" Patriot Act '09.

It was with a heavy heart that President McCain declared another State of Emergency and ordered the areas cleared and razed. They were "depressing" he had said.
America didn't need to have its morale destroyed by the cycle of poverty.
There would be camps, happy places where people could learn how to live productive happy lives and almost daily, there were "feel good" features on the news broadcasts of people in the camps putting on talent shows and making interesting things out of recycled tires.

Marvin saw the plane circle around again, sputter and then start to slowly, gracefully with increasing speed head out over the East River. There was a small explosion as it was hit by a missle operated by the River Defense Unit. A cloud of smoke and the pieces all fell into the East River.

He felt a litttle reassured, but still, the thing that really was worrying him was the reports of young people becoming suicide bombs. The government reports tried to play up the terrorist connections and use it to fuel the fear that there were many terrorist training cells in our midsts.

A fifteen year old girl was stopped as she was about to detonate herself in a Mall in Pennsylvania. She had escaped from a Cindy McCain Drug Treatment Facility.
The only statement she made that was released by the press was an incoherent rant about "If you had to eat lime green jello with cottage cheese everyday and listen to that fucking non stop ABBA music...WHAT WOULD YOU DO?